Light

I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel....

Things I am thankful for

1. My three beautiful kids.
2. My family. Near and far that love me try and love me the best they can and want what's best for me even if it is hard for me to hear.
3. Laughter. Especially coming from my kids but also the feeling it gives me to giggle and laugh out loud.
4. Chocolate...need I say more!

The Right Thing

I am so sick of my situation! I have been fighting with my husband for months now. Not your usual run of the mill stuff but serious, serious shit! Stuff has been exposed and now I find myself wondering what to do? Do I continue in this cycle knowing full well I don't have the emotional or physcial strength to keep going? Do I hide my head in the sand and ignore all that has been exposed? Or do I run the hell away and not face any of it? I have nothing left to offer or give. I'm not sure of who I even am anymore. I know Jesus loves me. I know my family and friends love me. But do I love myself? Do I love enough to keep going? I know what the right thing is, I know what's best for my family, but do I want to do the right thing? Do I have it in me to do the right thing?
I am so frustrated, scared and angry right now.
Dear Jesus help me, guide me, give me strength to face the unkown....

Should

So shit has been happening in my life. So much shit actually that it isn't worth bothering you with because I could sit here all night typing my fingers off and not even getting close to all that has hit the fan in the last few weeks. Needless to say because of this shit I am faced with many core dilemas, one of which is;

I'm a pastors wife.
And I should on myself.

Now for those of you in this position or know someone in this position or liken yourself to someone in this position you all know what I am talking about. For those of you who don't have a clue let me fill you in;
I shouldn't have shit happen to me.
I should help people through their shit.
I should be very spiritual and have my shit together.
I shouldn't even use the word "shit".
So here I am facing my shit and I realize that I should on myself all the time.
I realize that I have a whole other person underneath these shoulds that would love to experience freedom and get out from under these oppressive shoulds that drive my life.
But I have a problem
I'm a pastors wife. So I have to ask the questions;

Should I be transparent with my thoughts and feelings for the world to see?
Should I expose myself, my shit?
Should I talk about struggles I am having openly because my husband is in a role of leadership?
What will happen if people find out about me and they realize I don't have my shit together?

And why the hell do should on myself?

When did life become so freaking complicated!

Today

Not feeling so Kick Ass today......

House for Sale

I swear if one more person drives by my house slowly and doesn't come in to see the inside I will scream. Yesterday we were sitting down for dinner and we had someone actually drive by slowly, hit reverse stop in the middle of the street and then lean out the windown and take a picture!! Talk about an akward moment..I didn't know if I should smile or wave.
So if anyone want's to come buy a house in Boise......

When under Stress....

So I've thought of a brillant plan to stop feeling stressed. First, when you feel stressed about something ADD something even more stressful and the first stress seems non existant. That's right add to your stress and you may actually laugh at the fact that you were originally stressed about something else. The key is to keep the first and second stress going at the same time!
On my last few posts I've taken the liberty to vent a little about the stress level in my life...well that ain't nothing. So the kindergartener is enjoying school, I'm antcipating the first day of training at my new job and dear hubby wants to go look at a house. So by the end of the week we have an offer in on a gorgeous home and we have our house on the market.
Let's see can we say "IDIOTS! ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A DEATH WISH!"
I swear if we were to take one of those stress inventories right now we SHOULD be dead. But hell that doesn't seem to matter we have to focuse on keeping our house clean!

Work

Today was great! Work went well. My boss was so impressed with me that he has me coming in earlier than planned tomorrow so he can have me start on a probate case with him. Real legal stuff! I am excited. Thanks for all of you who were thinking of me and praying for me.
I also had an absolutely wonderful reminder from God that He loves me. A new friend of mine called me up out of the blue when I got home from work and offered to bring our family a meal next Monday so that I wouldn't have to worry about cooking on my big day! I was speechless. Sometimes I am in awe of the little things God does for me to show me He loves me. Her comment was, "us moms gotta stick together!" I don't care what my friend makes for dinner on Monday night it will taste absolutlely wonderful to me!

Laying My Burdens Down

So tomorrow I go join corporate America..well at least part time. Tomorrow I start training as a legal secretary. I will be working downtown four days out of the week 9am to 3:30pm. I will be able to put my kids on the bus, go to my job, drive home, meet them at the house when they get off the bus, do all my other duties and still be expected to be sane, happy and loving! I am terrified! No, that's putting it mildly, I'm scared shitless! I have had to work really hard at being sane, happy and loving! Somedays it doesn't come natural! (can I hear an Amen). I love structure and routine, I thrive on it. But that doesn't always make for a happy family! For some odd reason God didn't program young children to obey on command and take orders. And what we as a family are about to embark upon is alot of "out of control" for awhile. It's going to take some time to have a routine in the morning getting the kids and myself out the door plus I'm scared I won't be the mom I have worked hard to be, I don't want to be a mom that is tired and cranky all the time. I fight that to hard already, let alone starting a 25 hour job outside the home. Did I fail to mention that we are starting a church and my husband is working out of the living room?!?! I know this is for a season, I know that I have been blessed with the opportunity to stay home this long with my kids, I know that ultimately my kids will do great and will rise to the occasion when they are given more responsibility. But as I have emphazied over and over on this blog..CHANGE SUCKS! So I tomorrow I will buck up and take it all in stride but on the inside I am having faith that ultimately God has got it all figured out and that means I get to sit back, cry a little and lay this burden down.

We survived

It happened, we survived the first day of school. It came and went and I am still in one piece! We did all the normal things this morning, had breakfast, put on the new first day of school clothes, even took the traditional first day of school pictures on the front step. We left in plenty of time to navigate what seemed to be the other 500 parents dropping off their kids and had time to play on the playground. When the bell rang my eldest two handled it beautifully, they didn't even want us to walk them to their classrooms. And my youngest well he held my hand as we walked over to his classroom, he gave me a hug and told me he loved me and then hugged Tom and told him the same thing and then turned and walked into the classroom, he didn't even look back. I guess we have done our job. Our kids seem healthy and well adjusted and hopefully on their way to being independent. It was one of those defining moments that will stick in your memory forever.
So where did we go from there???? I was determined not to be one of those mothers that drops their last child off to kindergarten and runs home and deep cleans like a mad woman before it's time to pick them up. I was determined, if it killed me, to reward myself for the last 10 years of being home full time with my kids! So.....
we started out at our local Starbucks and had coffee and read the paper, because we could sit and enjoy HOT coffee and read the paper undisturbed.
Then we walked, because we didn't have our kids whining at us that it was to far or to hot, to Barnes and Nobels and read some misc. books and didn't sit in the KIDS section on those tiny little hard benches but enjoyed the cushy thick wide armchairs.
Then we walked a little further and stopped in REI, a camping store Tom and I love to browse in but usually can't because one of our kids, if not all, have climbed into some display and are wreeking havoc on it!
Then we went to lunch at TGI Fridays, then ran to target.....yes it truly did take me mere minutes to grab the item I needed, pay and then walk out the door.
We accomplished this all in time to enjoy each other, the weather and pick the kids back up from school at preciously 1:45pm where they all came running up to us all talking at once telling us all about their first day of school.
And tomorrow, I will start the cleaning.....

Tomorrow kindergarten!

Today the kids and I had a celebration day. The last day of summer hurrah! We started by taking Ethan to a kindergarten open house and then onto Ihop! for breakfast. We then went to the Discovery Center which here in Boise is a cross between "the please touch museum" in Philadelphia and OMSI in Portland. We then stopped by the local 7 Eleven for slurpees (the big ones!) and then went to Walmart to finish our school shopping, socks, waterbottles and a box of tissues. We then came home for a breather and then went back to school for the two older kids open house. We finished off the day having a nice family dinner and then reading a chapter from our latest book "Dragons in our Midst". I am excited for my kids tomorrow. I always enjoyed the first few days of school were everything is fresh and you don't have much work. But as any mom sending their little one to kindergarten it will be hard and bittersweet. Ethan had a great time at the open house this morning, even though he did claim to being bored as the teacher talked to us. But as we left the building he still grabbed a hold of my hand and said "Mom, I love you and I am going to miss you." I do hope I can make it through tomorrow's drop off without bursting into tears.

Mother Mary

After an extremely emotional taxing day, (second day of intense fighting with dear hubby) I decided to make nachos and cheese and chocolate chip milkshakes for dinner for the kids and I. I also decided that we would sit in the living room and eat them in front of the TV while watching a movie! My kids were so excited they couldn't hold it in:

Child #1 - "Mom you are the best!"
Child #2 - "Mom you are the best woman I know!"
Child #1 - "Mom you are truly the greatest woman ever born!!!"
Child #2 - "Huuhem, I think that the greatest woman ever born was Mary the mother of Jesus"
"Do you really think our mother is better than Mary the mother of our LORD?"
Child #1 -"uuuuuuu Mom you are the greatest woman right after Mary"

Welcome to Monday

I'm cranky.
The kids are cranky.
8 more days of summer vacation.
My van is having thermastate issues and the a/c doesn't work correctly, so I don't want to leave the house because it's hot and we all know what happens when mom and kids get hot they get CRANKY!!!!!

Happy 32nd Birthday Tom

Tom you were the one that answered my questions when I was first seeking God.
You were the one that reasurred me of God's love when I was so afraid to trust.
You were the first person to model grace to me in a very real and tangible way that changed me life forever.
You have made continued sacrifices for the sake of our family and for that I thank you.
You have been faithful and protective of what God has given you and I appreciate and admire you for that.
Tom, you are a great husband and wonderful father.
I love your wisdom, knowledge and sense of humor.

I love you,
Happy Birthday,
Your Ivory Soap Girl
Forever

Family

I had a wonderful conversation the other evening with my cousin Audrey, she is such a wonderful spirit. Totally lives in the moment and blesses God any opportunity she can for all that she has. Audrey is one of my 21 cousins I grew up with in Ireland. Her family alone has nine and we used to have so much fun together. My family lived in Dublin and every couple of months we would travel 3 hours to visit my cousins and grandma (Gram) down in Dungarvan, Co. Waterford. We would make the journey and when we got there we were free. My aunt Clare never seemed to have any order to what was going on in her home. There was at least 15 years difference between the oldest and the youngest so there were always kids at different stages of life running around getting into mischief. Grams house was right next to Clares home and they were both situated on a couple of acres of land so it was always an adventure to go play. We would disappear for what seemed like hours, store up on sweets from the local shop with whatever money would could find and not go to bed until really late. I loved those days they take up much of my childhood memories. I remember the day my dad told us we were moving to America as we drove down to see everyone, how I realized for the first time that life would never be as simple and carefree, that change was coming and there was nothing I could do to stop it. We said goodbye when I was ten and for at least the next five/ six years our families would alternate shipping some of us out for six weeks at a time to their home or ours. And we continued to have incredible memories. They are my family. Our family has grown and between marriages and births I bet our family has grown to over 50 and we are scattered all over this world. New Zealand, America, England, Ireland, Canada. I miss them all so much, I long for the days where we could go fill our pockets with chocolate and sit in our fort and laugh till we felt sick. It makes me so sad that there is no way I will see many of them again in my lifetime because of financial and time restraints. But when I get on the phone with Audes, who I haven't seen in over 17 years and we joke and laugh I smile and my heart is warmed because we are still family and we still have a tie that binds us deeper than no other.

Sense of Humor

We watched 50 First Dates last night with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. It was cute, romantic and slapstick funny. My husband tells me I have a sick sense of humor. I just laugh and laugh when people get hurt. For example, there is a scene in the movie where Adam Sandler sets up a scenario to attract Drew Barrymore's character. So Adam asks his friend to pretend to beat him up by the side of the road, Drew comes along sees what's happening and grabs a bat from her car and starts hitting this other character really hard.. I thought it was hysterical! Adam is screaming "I think you got him, I'm ok not to worry" meanwhile she starts chasing after this other character to hit him some more. I'm giggling about it as we speak. I know it's wrong but it's just the way I am. The thing is though this has caused some bad "parental" moments when my kids have had done some silly things on accident that send me into fits of smothered giggles! When one of the kids rode their bike into a mailbox because they weren't paying attention or when they are just the right height to walk into door knobs and counters...again I'm giggling. You wanna know the best part..I have passed this wonderful and sick sense of humor onto my daughter. We went to see RV with Robin Williams a few weeks ago and she and I had the guys in the middle of us and as funny slapstick things are happening she and I are laughing the loudest! I must say I really don't feel that badly anymore

Soon back to school

I never ever thought I would be one of those moms who couldn't wait for the school bus to show up at the end of summer. I love my children and even gave my hand at homeschooling for awhile before we moved here to Boise. Our kids are on a year round school schedule so they have six weeks off during the summer opposed to the "traditional" 2 1/2 months. They will then get the month of Nov. off and the whole month of March off. I love my kids and have struggled this past few months with sending my baby of to kindergarten. Full day no doubt! With all the other transitions going on in our home I was really mourning the lose of this time of life. But when I had to discipline my kids for the 50th time before LUNCH today I knew there was part of me that will be a rejoicing to see that school bus coming on August 15th. Not only have they spent more time on their beds for time outs but they were actually fighting yesterday silently! We had put them all on separate chairs (but still in view of each other) and when I turned around they where grunting and pointing at each other like monkeys, I looked at my dear hubby and said "what do we do now?". Only 14 more days......

Thank you Jesus

I'm a Christian. I have been for over 14 years. I grew up in the Catholic church and when I was a freshman in high school I became frustrated with the Sunday morning routine and asked my dad if he would mind if I went and checked out other churches. My dad is a strong Irish Catholic and I know it must have been very hard for him to let me explore but he said ok. I became part of a bible study that met in my home studying the book of John. I eventually had enough courage to join them at their local youth group after our bible study. I was extremely intimidated and felt very insecure but continued to go. Through my relationship with the youth pastor I ended up helping out at their summer ministry "The Fresh Air Home" a home used as a two week summer camp for underprivileged kids ages 6 - 10. This is where I learned about Jesus in a new way. I learned about a Jesus that loved me just the way I was. One that didn't care what I looked like, one who didn't care what I could do for Him, one that didn't care about my questions and concerns, one that actually embraced them. A Jesus that created me and loved me for me. How awesome an adventure it has been since that time when I first caught a glimpse of what it was like to be loved. This adventure has been exciting, scary, painful and indescribable at times. I would not change the challenges and rewards for anything in the world. So here we are my family and I on our newest adventure, a church plant in the Meridian Boise area in Idaho. How we ended up here is a much longer story than this post. Our family and another quit our jobs back in April and yesterday, Sunday July 30th we started services as Common Ground Chrisitan Fellowship. We have taken a huge leap of faith but simply put we saw it all come together as over 100 people joined us in a high school auditorium to worship the same Jesus I have come to love and adore. Simply put thank you Jesus.

Date Night

So it's Saturday, 12:30pm and I am still in my PJ's. It doesn't happen very often that I get to enjoy this wonderful indulgence of sleeping in on Saturday morning and doing nothing. So I have been perusing my favorite blogs, checking on a pair of shoes I am interested in on eBay and now I am sitting writing this. Tonight me and the hubby are going on a date night so that means that I need to clean the house. This may not be the first thing that comes to peoples minds when they think of a date night but when I have a reason for someone to come over, ie. the babysitter, I usually feel the need to tidy and clean. I am a relatively neat person and enjoy a picked up house but with the kids home for the summer, leaving work this week, and starting Common Ground the house hasn't been on top of my priority list. So I will leave the comfort of my cozy arm chair, get dressed and start scrubbing bathrooms and the kitchen floor. And come five o'clock I will be ready to go on a nice date with T.

Busy Busy Busy

Hi All,
I am tired ... but I can't rest yet! Common Ground, our new church start up, starts services on Sunday and I am running all over the place trying to get stuff ready. It's not like I am the only one who is hard at work all who are volunteering are excited about seeing all this come together. I look forward to Sunday morning and seeing what God will do. Well guess that's it, just checking in.

Pity Party

Today I am having a pity party for myself. It's my last day at a job I have worked for 3 years and I am pretty darn sure no one could give a crap! Some days I feel so unappreciated. Oh well this to shall pass. There have been so many hurtful things that have happened at this place I just don't know why I am so surprised that nothing will happen today....but I must admit that even a "good luck" would be nice. I think I will buy myself a cup of coffee and count down the minutes!

My saga with my nose ring

So I got my nose pierced in Nov. of last year. I have always liked those little nose studs and a bunch of friends went to a local tattoo parlor on a Saturday and took the plunge. So I have been wearing a little stud since then. I bought a stud that had a little fake diamond in it and a few days later I noticed that the little jewel had popped out. This particular nose stud was called a "bone" which means instead of bending the end of stud so it doesn't fall out, it has a little ball at the end. So you basically push the "bone" ball end and all into your nose. Well as you can imagine it hurt like hell to get in so when I noticed the jewel had popped out I really wasn't going to take it out for awhile. Then comes the day that I decide I want a change but I couldn't pull this thing out. I mean it hurt so bad and I pulled with all my might and it still wasn't happening so I enlist my dear hubby to help...he yanked so hard and you could literally feel and hear a pop as it came out! Bloody hell it hurt much worse than when I put it in. So I put a new stud in not a bone and kept in for a day to see if I liked it. I didn't so I braced myself to put in another bone. Well again I had to enlist the help of dear hubby because the hole had closed a little so he had to push with all his might to get it back in...(well beyond this point I have asked myself a millions times "is this even worth it?.) all this to say I put this new stud in and 10 minutes later I notice the jewel has popped out AGAIN! I have been bracing myself to change but I know it hurts like hell and I tend to be a woose at times so I have had to build up. So all this to say last night I am doing some laundry and I bring down this huge box of laundry detergent and it scrapes me on the nose and tears out my stud .. bone and all! I have no other nose rings and I call my friend Jen in a panic and she tells me she'll bring me one of hers. So today I am sitting here with a nose ring in my nose and I am going to the store to buy a real nice nose stud because at this point I really don't care to keep hurting myself for the sake of beauty!

Blahhh

Not feeling the greatest today which isn't the best timing. We start services this Sunday and there is so much to be done. I am excited about this new adventure but when your back aches, your head hurts and you have cramps its hard to get excited about anything. Oh well, it will all get done and if it doesn't I'm ok with it.
We had the best time this past weekend hanging out with friends and camping. We purchased a pop up trailer at the beginning of the summer and it has brought camping to a totally new level. It's actually fun! It has a king bed, queen bed and the table and little sofas turn into a single. Perfect for our family of 5. It has a stove, fridge and storage. My dear hubby insists that he could put in a porta potty but I am insistent that I have absolutely no desire to pee in the middle of the trailer. I will take my chances, like I have been for the last 15 years, and make my way in the middle of the night to the nearest restroom do my thing and return back to my warm sleeping bag. For some reason he doesn't understand and suggests every morning "your sure you don't want me to install that porta potty". It just doesn't appeal to me to peel into an adult sized potty in the middle of my sleeping family. So on with my day, laundry to be done, unpacking of the food etc. and dinner tonight with more friends.

Hello!

So I haven't been on in quite some time. I have been busy doing ...well.... all the stuff that I do in my life. Being a mom to three kids, wife to my dear hubby, completing my certification to become a doula, going on a family vacation to England to see my grandma and then coming home and walking through my husband quitting his job as a junior high pastor and starting a new church. So I have been a little busy. And while I was gone I have started a wonderful hobby of reading my friends blogs. I have friends here in Boise that keep blogs, a friend in Washington, and even a dear friend in Cochambama (sp?) Bolivia. And the thing I have noticed is that most of them don't worry about spelling errors, punctuation marks or even grammar, they just say what's on their minds and go from there. So here is to my new commitment to my blog which is so therapeutic...Mom you should really get one of your own! I am entering a new phase of life, new church, all three kids in school, and a new job downtown. So watch out world here I come.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

On Sunday my daughter turned nine. We took her to lunch as a family and had a great time. My husband started out the conversation by saying "What do you guys want to be when you grow up?" Now I don't know how many 9, 7 and 4 year olds have given this question much consideration but what came out of our kids mouths made us laugh. Our seven year old began to tell us that he would like to build things. He would like to build a little house, that would be quiet, with a space attached, where it would be quiet, and he could build things that would help the police catch bad guys. He would also build a church next door so that he could go and talk to God whenever he wanted to. Both my husband and I had a sense of pride and awe on our faces as he responded. It was our daughters turn next but she was having to much fun with her gifts and didn't want to answer the question. So that left our four year old to give his answer. When asked what he wanted to be when he grew up he answered "a techno genius". Now I have no idea what that is or where he heard the term from but he had us laughing pretty hard at his answer.

Conversations

My son made the comment the other day that he was feeling sad because he was thinking about his Poppop that had died and all his other ancestors. Really what other 7 year old boy thinks about his "ancestors." I will never stop being fascinated by my own children.

Hurt

It lingers in my thoughts
Waiting to captivate my mind
Waiting to consume my soul
Will it ever leave?
Will I ever be rid of this torment that plagues me?

Gone are the days of innocent love
Carefree and effortless
Beautiful and kind
Enter in darkness and bitterness
Calculated and cunning
Painful and sad
Will I ever feel love again
Or will this pain fill my heart forever?

Change (for the most part) Sucks!

Change comes in many different forms. As a mom and wife changes take on many shapes and forms on a regular basis. As a mom change sometimes comes with a heartfelt "Thank You God!" ie. your child learns to sleep through the night or they become potty trained. Sometimes change comes with heartfelt sorrow and you feel that little twang of pain in your chest ie. your first born hits puberty and your last born hops on the bus for kindergarten. As a wife, change comes in the form of maturing and deepening your relationship with your husband and continuing to learn about each other even after many years together. So many times at the sake of self sacrifice, determination and hard work on both parts.
Most of the time I have been grateful for the changes......when they have passed and I have had time to adjust. But more often than not, during the times when things are shifting I feel sad. As we speak our family is going through changes. My eldest is having bouts of crying, she is growing like a weed and is constantly changing her clothes and accessories. My middle son is struggling to find his place in this world at the ripe old age of 7 and I am catching glimpses of the young man he is becoming. My baby, almost 5, is no longer a baby. We received paperwork for kindergarten registration and I still don't feel prepared to let him go. My husband, who has been unsatisfied at work for over two years, is starting to reach the end of his rope and we are both wondering where this new year will lead us. In the midst of all this I continue to move forward through the laundry, shuttling of kids, making of meals, cleaning etc. But sometimes it is healthy to have a good cry. Let me rephrase that, sometimes it is NECESSARY to have a good cry. To sit and bawl like a baby and be honest with God and say "You know, I am not liking this process, I know it is necessary and we can't stay the same forever but this is hard and it sucks!"
And God in His infinite wisdom and love gives me His shoulder to cry on and His ear to listen. And when I am done and I reach that completely warn out place, where no more tears will fall and I am completely, exhausted I feel His arms reach around me and give me a hug. And I know that even though change sucks He is there holding me and supporting me along the way.

The funny art of listening

My precious son at the age of 7 gave me insight on how to effectively listen to someone you love. This conversation took place tonight when I put my 7 year old and 4 year old to bed.
Brother 1 (4yr old) - Can you see me? (I should add before I go any further that they are in bunk beds bro. 1 on the bottom)
Bro. 2 - Yep
Bro. 1 - Can you see me now?
Bro. 2 - Yep
Bro. 1 - Can you see me NOW???
Bro. 2 - Uhuh
Bro. 1 - What if I where in another room could you see me then?
Bro. 2 - Yep
Bro. 1 - What if I where in another state could you see me then?
Bro. 2 - Yep
Bro. 1 - What if I where in Ireland could you see me then?
Bro. 2. - Uhu?
Bro. 1 - WOW You are amazing!
Bro. 2 - Yep
Bro. 1 - What if I were in Jail could you see me then?
Bro. 2 - ............yep
Bro. 1 - If I were in jail you could see me!!!!!!
Bro. 2 - Yep
Bro. 1 - oh my..
Bro. 2 - uhuh
Bro. 1 - Goodnight
Bro. 2 - Goodnight