Thursday, October 12, 2006


So shit has been happening in my life. So much shit actually that it isn't worth bothering you with because I could sit here all night typing my fingers off and not even getting close to all that has hit the fan in the last few weeks. Needless to say because of this shit I am faced with many core dilemas, one of which is;

I'm a pastors wife.
And I should on myself.

Now for those of you in this position or know someone in this position or liken yourself to someone in this position you all know what I am talking about. For those of you who don't have a clue let me fill you in;
I shouldn't have shit happen to me.
I should help people through their shit.
I should be very spiritual and have my shit together.
I shouldn't even use the word "shit".
So here I am facing my shit and I realize that I should on myself all the time.
I realize that I have a whole other person underneath these shoulds that would love to experience freedom and get out from under these oppressive shoulds that drive my life.
But I have a problem
I'm a pastors wife. So I have to ask the questions;

Should I be transparent with my thoughts and feelings for the world to see?
Should I expose myself, my shit?
Should I talk about struggles I am having openly because my husband is in a role of leadership?
What will happen if people find out about me and they realize I don't have my shit together?

And why the hell do should on myself?

When did life become so freaking complicated!


The Suburban Nomad said...

Since this is the only communication I have had with you the past few days, I'm not sure that I "should" even being doing this. Though we have ground rules for this sort of thing, I supoose the Nomad wasn't actully told to contact K.A.M.

The Suburban Nomad said...

... I guess when I hit preview it posted, so I'll have to say this in two comments.

I personally don't give "a shit" who knows whats going on between us anymore. What I care care about is you! In my broken, compolsive and emotionally needy way, I'm doing the best job I can to give you the space you need right now, but I'm not going to lie, this is killing me!

Dispite my own stuggles, which I'm willing to keep working on and lay down and die to, I care more right now about "YOU" than whatever "shoulds" are flouting around out there. I want K.A.M. to know that she is loved. If shit has got to fly, so be it! If needs be, lets fling shit like a couple of crazy monkeys. In the long run it may not help, and people may not like us when we are all done, but we'll at least well be covered in shit togther and have each other.

If at the end of all this, you and I end up sitting together in a giagantic pile of thrown around shit, I want you to know that there has never been anyone else in the world who I'd like to be covered with shit with more than you.

I don't know what you're going to need to get through this K.A.M. I don't know how hard this is going to be and how much it is going to take. I only know that I WANT TO DO IT WITH YOU! Wrapped in shit, I want to tell you that you are deeply loved.

I'm a mess right now, I know that I'm doing so many things wrong and that half of them I'm even unaware of. I am learning... I swear to you I am learning as much as I can to save the most important thing in this world to me. My biggest fear is that underneath "the shoulds" of this oppressed women, is a women who wants to be free of me. I am scared K.A.M., so scared! Second only to my faith in Jesus (which is the only thing getting me through this right now) I am holding onto your words that you love me and that you will never leave me as more valuable than anything else in my life. I am praying for you & all things shitty!

You are my best friend... I love you... & I am deeply sorry for all that I must own in this.

Anonymous said...

The 11th commandment:
"Thou shall not should upon yourself." It's an easy trap to fall into, especially given the role of a pastor's wife. It's a tough one, I know! As best you can, quiet your heart and listen to Jesus. Don't force or should yourself. Who has all their shit together anyway? NO ONE!
Praying for you both.