Light

I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel....

Things I am thankful for

1. My three beautiful kids.
2. My family. Near and far that love me try and love me the best they can and want what's best for me even if it is hard for me to hear.
3. Laughter. Especially coming from my kids but also the feeling it gives me to giggle and laugh out loud.
4. Chocolate...need I say more!

The Right Thing

I am so sick of my situation! I have been fighting with my husband for months now. Not your usual run of the mill stuff but serious, serious shit! Stuff has been exposed and now I find myself wondering what to do? Do I continue in this cycle knowing full well I don't have the emotional or physcial strength to keep going? Do I hide my head in the sand and ignore all that has been exposed? Or do I run the hell away and not face any of it? I have nothing left to offer or give. I'm not sure of who I even am anymore. I know Jesus loves me. I know my family and friends love me. But do I love myself? Do I love enough to keep going? I know what the right thing is, I know what's best for my family, but do I want to do the right thing? Do I have it in me to do the right thing?
I am so frustrated, scared and angry right now.
Dear Jesus help me, guide me, give me strength to face the unkown....

Should

So shit has been happening in my life. So much shit actually that it isn't worth bothering you with because I could sit here all night typing my fingers off and not even getting close to all that has hit the fan in the last few weeks. Needless to say because of this shit I am faced with many core dilemas, one of which is;

I'm a pastors wife.
And I should on myself.

Now for those of you in this position or know someone in this position or liken yourself to someone in this position you all know what I am talking about. For those of you who don't have a clue let me fill you in;
I shouldn't have shit happen to me.
I should help people through their shit.
I should be very spiritual and have my shit together.
I shouldn't even use the word "shit".
So here I am facing my shit and I realize that I should on myself all the time.
I realize that I have a whole other person underneath these shoulds that would love to experience freedom and get out from under these oppressive shoulds that drive my life.
But I have a problem
I'm a pastors wife. So I have to ask the questions;

Should I be transparent with my thoughts and feelings for the world to see?
Should I expose myself, my shit?
Should I talk about struggles I am having openly because my husband is in a role of leadership?
What will happen if people find out about me and they realize I don't have my shit together?

And why the hell do should on myself?

When did life become so freaking complicated!