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"There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort"
Jane Austen

Since I work four days out of the week now I don't hang out in my house much. I find that if I do it's doing things. Cleaning, laundry, homework with the kids, crashing so I can keep going. I miss just "being" in my home. Not doing anything but enjoying the fact that I have a roof over my head and the blessing that I have a sanctuary from the world.

How do I grow Spiritually?

A friend asked me the other day "How do you grow Spititually?"
I have been thinking about it ever since.
Is it through church?
Is it through prayer?
Is it through personal devotion?
Is it through worship?
Is it through relationships?
I'm not sure.......

Hard Days

Some days are harder than others.
Tom I love you..hang in there,

Matt Redman - You Never Let Go
From the album Passion 06: Everything Glorious

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Chorus:

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

90 Degrees!!!!!!

So the husband is off hunting..it's Sunday afternoon and we (the kids and I) are exhausted, so I turn on the TV so I can tune out. America's Funniest Home Videos is on and the fun begins. I love slapstick humor so much that I have been known to cry and almost be sick because I laugh so hard at someone else's pain (I think I may have written about this before) any who...my two oldest kids have also inherited this sick form of humor and we get a good old belly laugh togther. My youngest son just sits and winces and says "Oh My" "Oh Man that's gotta hurt".
So we are all sitting in the living room laughing and laughing and I am starting to feel flushed..then warm..then warmer..then down right hot. Now those that know me know that I never feel warm unless it's over 89 degrees so I am starting to wonder if I'm getting sick that or laughing a little to much. Soon the kids are complaining that they are hot and the boys start stripping (because there boys and they can). I am starting to feel down right uncomfortable when I go to open a window. I happen to go pass the electronic thermostate in the hallway with a little chair, with the name "Ethan" printed on it, pushed up against the wall. I happen to glance at the temperature and "someone" has jacked it up to 90. I couldn't stop laughing. I am now sitting here with my front door wide open, the back door wide open, the ceiling fans going and relief that I am not getting sick!

Saturday

Saturday in our home is relaxing. It is the only day of the week that we try to sleep in and a have big breakfast as a family. We usually try not to go anywhere and work around the house instead. Our kids aren't allowed to watch t.v. or play video games during the week so come Saturday morning they are ready for some cartoons and PS2.
I know there will come a time when we won't have Saturdays or even Saturday mornings anymore, but for now I will enjoy my sleep in and realxing time with my family.

Lazy Morning

I'm having a lazy morning.
No work (I have Friday's off).
No kids (dropped them off at the bus stop for school).
No husband (duck hunting).
I'm going to finish this cup of coffee as I surf the web, ignore the clutter that has built up in my home for one more day, relax and........
Then at noon I'll get my hair cut, run to the grocery store to pick up a few necessary things and then volunteer in my son's kindergarten class for the last hour of school.
TGIF!

To My Dear Friend

Hang in there my friend, if I could I would,

We took our youngest, 5, to the doctors office last night to get his
stitches out. Our oldest son pushed him into the coffee table last week
and he hit his eye right about his eyebrow poor baby needed five
stitches. He was nervous all the way to theDr.'s because he didn't want it to hurt. They gave him four doses of numbing meds
, then two shots and the kid could still feel the pain. So when we told
him it wouldn't hurt to get his stitches out..he wasn't really going
for it. "Remember mom, you told me it wouldn't hurt to have them in,
remember!"
So the nurse really didn't do a good job taking them out.
Pulling, tugging, digging even. He survived and by the time we got home
he was eating a scooby pop and smiling ear to ear.
When I went to put neosporine on it later last night,to help with the scar, he was horrified and told me "But Mom, I don't want to get rid of my scar!".
We'll see how he feels in 20 years.

What's Up?

So the kids are in bed, dinner is cleaned up, the dishwasher running, I'm in my pj's and I have a load of laundry going...and it's only 7:30pm! On Monday night.
Some times life just goes your way.
It has been forever since I have posted and I have tried so many times and fallen short of the right words to express myself. I can't really begin to tell you all that has happen over the past few months. But now that I am on the other side, it was worth it. I have a better out look on life, I am healthier emotionally and in my relationships, I have a more intimate relationship with my husband and I am experiencing a freedom I have never felt before.
Happy New Year everyone,
and Cheers to 2007!

Light

I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel....

Things I am thankful for

1. My three beautiful kids.
2. My family. Near and far that love me try and love me the best they can and want what's best for me even if it is hard for me to hear.
3. Laughter. Especially coming from my kids but also the feeling it gives me to giggle and laugh out loud.
4. Chocolate...need I say more!

The Right Thing

I am so sick of my situation! I have been fighting with my husband for months now. Not your usual run of the mill stuff but serious, serious shit! Stuff has been exposed and now I find myself wondering what to do? Do I continue in this cycle knowing full well I don't have the emotional or physcial strength to keep going? Do I hide my head in the sand and ignore all that has been exposed? Or do I run the hell away and not face any of it? I have nothing left to offer or give. I'm not sure of who I even am anymore. I know Jesus loves me. I know my family and friends love me. But do I love myself? Do I love enough to keep going? I know what the right thing is, I know what's best for my family, but do I want to do the right thing? Do I have it in me to do the right thing?
I am so frustrated, scared and angry right now.
Dear Jesus help me, guide me, give me strength to face the unkown....

Should

So shit has been happening in my life. So much shit actually that it isn't worth bothering you with because I could sit here all night typing my fingers off and not even getting close to all that has hit the fan in the last few weeks. Needless to say because of this shit I am faced with many core dilemas, one of which is;

I'm a pastors wife.
And I should on myself.

Now for those of you in this position or know someone in this position or liken yourself to someone in this position you all know what I am talking about. For those of you who don't have a clue let me fill you in;
I shouldn't have shit happen to me.
I should help people through their shit.
I should be very spiritual and have my shit together.
I shouldn't even use the word "shit".
So here I am facing my shit and I realize that I should on myself all the time.
I realize that I have a whole other person underneath these shoulds that would love to experience freedom and get out from under these oppressive shoulds that drive my life.
But I have a problem
I'm a pastors wife. So I have to ask the questions;

Should I be transparent with my thoughts and feelings for the world to see?
Should I expose myself, my shit?
Should I talk about struggles I am having openly because my husband is in a role of leadership?
What will happen if people find out about me and they realize I don't have my shit together?

And why the hell do should on myself?

When did life become so freaking complicated!

Today

Not feeling so Kick Ass today......

House for Sale

I swear if one more person drives by my house slowly and doesn't come in to see the inside I will scream. Yesterday we were sitting down for dinner and we had someone actually drive by slowly, hit reverse stop in the middle of the street and then lean out the windown and take a picture!! Talk about an akward moment..I didn't know if I should smile or wave.
So if anyone want's to come buy a house in Boise......

When under Stress....

So I've thought of a brillant plan to stop feeling stressed. First, when you feel stressed about something ADD something even more stressful and the first stress seems non existant. That's right add to your stress and you may actually laugh at the fact that you were originally stressed about something else. The key is to keep the first and second stress going at the same time!
On my last few posts I've taken the liberty to vent a little about the stress level in my life...well that ain't nothing. So the kindergartener is enjoying school, I'm antcipating the first day of training at my new job and dear hubby wants to go look at a house. So by the end of the week we have an offer in on a gorgeous home and we have our house on the market.
Let's see can we say "IDIOTS! ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A DEATH WISH!"
I swear if we were to take one of those stress inventories right now we SHOULD be dead. But hell that doesn't seem to matter we have to focuse on keeping our house clean!

Work

Today was great! Work went well. My boss was so impressed with me that he has me coming in earlier than planned tomorrow so he can have me start on a probate case with him. Real legal stuff! I am excited. Thanks for all of you who were thinking of me and praying for me.
I also had an absolutely wonderful reminder from God that He loves me. A new friend of mine called me up out of the blue when I got home from work and offered to bring our family a meal next Monday so that I wouldn't have to worry about cooking on my big day! I was speechless. Sometimes I am in awe of the little things God does for me to show me He loves me. Her comment was, "us moms gotta stick together!" I don't care what my friend makes for dinner on Monday night it will taste absolutlely wonderful to me!

Laying My Burdens Down

So tomorrow I go join corporate America..well at least part time. Tomorrow I start training as a legal secretary. I will be working downtown four days out of the week 9am to 3:30pm. I will be able to put my kids on the bus, go to my job, drive home, meet them at the house when they get off the bus, do all my other duties and still be expected to be sane, happy and loving! I am terrified! No, that's putting it mildly, I'm scared shitless! I have had to work really hard at being sane, happy and loving! Somedays it doesn't come natural! (can I hear an Amen). I love structure and routine, I thrive on it. But that doesn't always make for a happy family! For some odd reason God didn't program young children to obey on command and take orders. And what we as a family are about to embark upon is alot of "out of control" for awhile. It's going to take some time to have a routine in the morning getting the kids and myself out the door plus I'm scared I won't be the mom I have worked hard to be, I don't want to be a mom that is tired and cranky all the time. I fight that to hard already, let alone starting a 25 hour job outside the home. Did I fail to mention that we are starting a church and my husband is working out of the living room?!?! I know this is for a season, I know that I have been blessed with the opportunity to stay home this long with my kids, I know that ultimately my kids will do great and will rise to the occasion when they are given more responsibility. But as I have emphazied over and over on this blog..CHANGE SUCKS! So I tomorrow I will buck up and take it all in stride but on the inside I am having faith that ultimately God has got it all figured out and that means I get to sit back, cry a little and lay this burden down.

We survived

It happened, we survived the first day of school. It came and went and I am still in one piece! We did all the normal things this morning, had breakfast, put on the new first day of school clothes, even took the traditional first day of school pictures on the front step. We left in plenty of time to navigate what seemed to be the other 500 parents dropping off their kids and had time to play on the playground. When the bell rang my eldest two handled it beautifully, they didn't even want us to walk them to their classrooms. And my youngest well he held my hand as we walked over to his classroom, he gave me a hug and told me he loved me and then hugged Tom and told him the same thing and then turned and walked into the classroom, he didn't even look back. I guess we have done our job. Our kids seem healthy and well adjusted and hopefully on their way to being independent. It was one of those defining moments that will stick in your memory forever.
So where did we go from there???? I was determined not to be one of those mothers that drops their last child off to kindergarten and runs home and deep cleans like a mad woman before it's time to pick them up. I was determined, if it killed me, to reward myself for the last 10 years of being home full time with my kids! So.....
we started out at our local Starbucks and had coffee and read the paper, because we could sit and enjoy HOT coffee and read the paper undisturbed.
Then we walked, because we didn't have our kids whining at us that it was to far or to hot, to Barnes and Nobels and read some misc. books and didn't sit in the KIDS section on those tiny little hard benches but enjoyed the cushy thick wide armchairs.
Then we walked a little further and stopped in REI, a camping store Tom and I love to browse in but usually can't because one of our kids, if not all, have climbed into some display and are wreeking havoc on it!
Then we went to lunch at TGI Fridays, then ran to target.....yes it truly did take me mere minutes to grab the item I needed, pay and then walk out the door.
We accomplished this all in time to enjoy each other, the weather and pick the kids back up from school at preciously 1:45pm where they all came running up to us all talking at once telling us all about their first day of school.
And tomorrow, I will start the cleaning.....

Tomorrow kindergarten!

Today the kids and I had a celebration day. The last day of summer hurrah! We started by taking Ethan to a kindergarten open house and then onto Ihop! for breakfast. We then went to the Discovery Center which here in Boise is a cross between "the please touch museum" in Philadelphia and OMSI in Portland. We then stopped by the local 7 Eleven for slurpees (the big ones!) and then went to Walmart to finish our school shopping, socks, waterbottles and a box of tissues. We then came home for a breather and then went back to school for the two older kids open house. We finished off the day having a nice family dinner and then reading a chapter from our latest book "Dragons in our Midst". I am excited for my kids tomorrow. I always enjoyed the first few days of school were everything is fresh and you don't have much work. But as any mom sending their little one to kindergarten it will be hard and bittersweet. Ethan had a great time at the open house this morning, even though he did claim to being bored as the teacher talked to us. But as we left the building he still grabbed a hold of my hand and said "Mom, I love you and I am going to miss you." I do hope I can make it through tomorrow's drop off without bursting into tears.