Conversations

My son made the comment the other day that he was feeling sad because he was thinking about his Poppop that had died and all his other ancestors. Really what other 7 year old boy thinks about his "ancestors." I will never stop being fascinated by my own children.

Hurt

It lingers in my thoughts
Waiting to captivate my mind
Waiting to consume my soul
Will it ever leave?
Will I ever be rid of this torment that plagues me?

Gone are the days of innocent love
Carefree and effortless
Beautiful and kind
Enter in darkness and bitterness
Calculated and cunning
Painful and sad
Will I ever feel love again
Or will this pain fill my heart forever?

Change (for the most part) Sucks!

Change comes in many different forms. As a mom and wife changes take on many shapes and forms on a regular basis. As a mom change sometimes comes with a heartfelt "Thank You God!" ie. your child learns to sleep through the night or they become potty trained. Sometimes change comes with heartfelt sorrow and you feel that little twang of pain in your chest ie. your first born hits puberty and your last born hops on the bus for kindergarten. As a wife, change comes in the form of maturing and deepening your relationship with your husband and continuing to learn about each other even after many years together. So many times at the sake of self sacrifice, determination and hard work on both parts.
Most of the time I have been grateful for the changes......when they have passed and I have had time to adjust. But more often than not, during the times when things are shifting I feel sad. As we speak our family is going through changes. My eldest is having bouts of crying, she is growing like a weed and is constantly changing her clothes and accessories. My middle son is struggling to find his place in this world at the ripe old age of 7 and I am catching glimpses of the young man he is becoming. My baby, almost 5, is no longer a baby. We received paperwork for kindergarten registration and I still don't feel prepared to let him go. My husband, who has been unsatisfied at work for over two years, is starting to reach the end of his rope and we are both wondering where this new year will lead us. In the midst of all this I continue to move forward through the laundry, shuttling of kids, making of meals, cleaning etc. But sometimes it is healthy to have a good cry. Let me rephrase that, sometimes it is NECESSARY to have a good cry. To sit and bawl like a baby and be honest with God and say "You know, I am not liking this process, I know it is necessary and we can't stay the same forever but this is hard and it sucks!"
And God in His infinite wisdom and love gives me His shoulder to cry on and His ear to listen. And when I am done and I reach that completely warn out place, where no more tears will fall and I am completely, exhausted I feel His arms reach around me and give me a hug. And I know that even though change sucks He is there holding me and supporting me along the way.

The funny art of listening

My precious son at the age of 7 gave me insight on how to effectively listen to someone you love. This conversation took place tonight when I put my 7 year old and 4 year old to bed.
Brother 1 (4yr old) - Can you see me? (I should add before I go any further that they are in bunk beds bro. 1 on the bottom)
Bro. 2 - Yep
Bro. 1 - Can you see me now?
Bro. 2 - Yep
Bro. 1 - Can you see me NOW???
Bro. 2 - Uhuh
Bro. 1 - What if I where in another room could you see me then?
Bro. 2 - Yep
Bro. 1 - What if I where in another state could you see me then?
Bro. 2 - Yep
Bro. 1 - What if I where in Ireland could you see me then?
Bro. 2. - Uhu?
Bro. 1 - WOW You are amazing!
Bro. 2 - Yep
Bro. 1 - What if I were in Jail could you see me then?
Bro. 2 - ............yep
Bro. 1 - If I were in jail you could see me!!!!!!
Bro. 2 - Yep
Bro. 1 - oh my..
Bro. 2 - uhuh
Bro. 1 - Goodnight
Bro. 2 - Goodnight

Rest

Is it truly possible to rest in a world that doesn't?
Think about it, how many people do you know that really know how to rest without trying? Without feeling guilty, without doing something. Watching t.v., listening to ipods, emailing, working in their yard or their home, running errands, going somewhere else to rest because they can't do it at home etc. I know you can "discipline" yourself or "teach" yourself. But isn't that more work. Isn't that adding more to your To Do List. I find it utterly sad that in our culture and world today we have to pencil in time to rest. It doesn't seem to come natural anymore. And let's face it if and when you do stop how many of us feel lazy for doing it. I think one of the reasons we don't rest is expressed in this quote "If I am not working, who am I? If have free time, will my demons return - those thoughts and fears and possibilities that I am able to sidestep by being busy. Will I feel useless, uneasy? Will something new be expected of me?" Martha Whitmore Hickman in a A day of Rest.

Halloween

My kids are going to be famous wizards and a witch for Halloween with costumes bought from the STORE. We have been reading the Harry Potter Series. And my middle son, Obi decided he wanted to be Harry. Of course then my 4 year old son, Pasta, decided that he to wanted to be Harry. Then my daughter, Bean, decided that she wanted to be Hermonie. They quickly concluded between the three of them that Pasta, could be Ron. So there you have it in one short trip to the local Savers we determined this years Halloween costumes. If only every Hallowen could all be this easy. I am one of those mothers who resorts to boxed caked mix, won't make cookies anymore (I make bar cookies instead much easier), and doesn't sew. At this point many of you may relate, but the unfortunate part of my life is my husband came from a goddess of domestic wonder. That's right my mother in law can clean like no one's business. Can whip up a chocolate cake from scratch within minutes and she can sew rags together and they look like a designer outfit bought at Macy's. She is a wonderfully dear woman who I have learned so much from. To be honest if it wasn't for her my husband and I would probably still be eating pasta, in some form or another, five times a week. But the down side is that my husband has some pretty high expectations of what a "mother" should produce. And that brings me to Halloween. A national holiday that brings me stress headaches just thinking about the dang day in JULY! We live on a budget so going and buying a big fancy costume each year is out of the question and I am not a creative genius that can go to her closet and five minutes later have six different costumes lined up. I am some where lost in the middle. I live under a budget but will go anyway for the chance of a cheap decent costume. But this year we have our costumes in order early, they were cheap and my kids are having a blast playing with them leading up to the big day. So now the only dilemma we face is that my three kids are dressing up as famous students from Hogwarts and my husband is a Pastor.......onto the next stress headache.

In Light of the "Nicest Thing 10/13"

In light of what my wonderful husband said yesterday, it didn't really help me feel any better when at 2:00am this morning I had to change my four year olds sheets because he had peed the bed. I kept thinking to myself "this is an honor to do this and your husband thinks your great" but for some reason it just didn't help the level of frustration because instead of sleeping I was smelling urine, changing my son, stripping his bed of linens and gropping around the house looking for extra blankets to cover him up with. Oh the joys of motherhood!

Nicest Thing

Today my husband said one of the nicest things to me. It's that time of year when we have those wonderful parent / teacher conferences. This morning we met with our daughters third grade teacher and our sons second grade teacher. My kids are great. They have their quirks, like every human on the planet. They are disobedient at times, have a hard time listening, and are plain frustrating at times but I love them. And I think they are the best kids every! The first meeting we went to was with our daughter's teacher. It lasted 10 minutes. She basically told us Bean (obviously not her real name, but a favorite nickname since birth) is a great kid. She's smart. She has no difficulty understanding material. She works well by herself. She works well with others. She is kind and considerate and helps others. What more could be said? We asked some basic parental questions and we left with great big smiles on our faces. Then we went to our sons class, four doors down the hallway. This meeting lasted a tad longer. It seems Obi (after the great Jedi) is struggling just a bit with math. He's an awesome reader. But unfortunately he didn't come from a great gene pool of mathematicians. She also told us he is friendly. He works well with others. He works well by himself. He is not afraid to share his opinion in class. He helps others and has a great smile. So we left that meeting with a resolve to work at home with him some more, recognized he'll probably never excel in math, and left with great big smiles on our faces. So what does this have to do with my great compliment. Well a few hours later my husband, nomad, (do I need to state this isn't his real name?) and I were in the office. I am his assistant. Really. I am paid to be his assistant. Anyway, Nomad says to me "You know it is a great compliment to you that our kids have turned out the way they are. All those nice things those teachers said it is a credit to you" ....... WOW!! ........ For a brief moment I realized that I have made a difference in the world. All the endless, sometimes nonsensical crap I do all day, every day has made a difference. Thank you honey! Thank you for giving me the greatest compliment I have received in a long time. Thank you for noticing that I have worked really, really hard over the past 8 years for the purpose of trying to raise healthy, independent functional children in this sometimes big, cruel world. And above all else thank you for taking the time to tell me.

Love Hate Relationship

I have a love hate relationship with The Gap. Yes, it's true. I grew up wearing gap clothes (I know I have just further labeled myself). The number one thing I love about The Gap is that they design the jeans that fit me just right. The perfect pair of jeans. Boot Cut. Regular. Size * (come on, you didn't think I was going to list my jean size on the internet!) You know the pair that no matter what, they look good and make you feel great. I also like how they carry a small line of "classic style" clothes that are just plain comfortable, like their comfy T's (long sleeve or short). And whenever you visit a thrift store looking for adults or kids stuff the Gap clothes always looks good. But on the flip side, sometimes they venture into designs that I think only the size "0" women in this world look good in. Need I say more? And their prices are absolutely insane. $49.50 for a pair of jeans! Are you kidding me! Who can possibly afford that. Not most moms of multiple children who are trying to make every penny stretch. "Honey, I decided we aren't going to eat for three days because I had to buy a new pair of jeans." But my absolute biggest pet peeve about the Gap is the same reason I love them, their jeans. Every year about this time, I develop holes in the knees. I swear every year that I won't give in and go and buy them again, no matter how comfortable or great they look. But then I go trying on every jean in the world and can't find anything remotely close. So what brings me back to loving them? Well I have a day like today. I walk in and not only do they have the same jeans for 60% off!! But a bunch of other stuff, that they usually sell at extremely ridiculous prices, also have prices that are slashed up the wazzo. So I can justify buying a couple pairs. I know I have looked everywhere under the sun for others. I know I got a great deal and above all else I look good and feel great. As far as the knees go, we'll just have to see what happens next year.

Cleaning Day

Today I need to clean. That's right it is every housewife's favorite day. When we get to pull out all the cleaning supplies (all 25 of them), put on our ugliest clothes, get out the mop, broom, vacuum and CLEAN. I especially like the bathroom. I love to get in there, get on my hands and knees and scrub where my two little boys pee all over the place. What else could a mother want out of life but to serve her family by cleaning their bodily fluids from the walls, trash cans, toilet seats and whatever else happens to be close by. It amazes me how gross a bathroom can get so easily when you have children using it daily. I am amazed when I walk in and see the newest and latest mess. From toothpaste on the mirrors, to "experiments" spilled all over the counter. It is a daily adventure just walking in the door. Yes, I am a lucky woman indeed. So "Cheers" to all you other women in the world who enjoy this ritual on a regular basis. Now on with my exciting day...